Over the past few days, I’ve realized something: I am not a very humble person. I am filled with pride, I am concerned with protecting my reputation and building myself up, and I think that I can control a lot of situations in my life. The truth is that I should have more humility, not care what others think of me, and realize that I can’t control everything.
Truth: I did pretty average on the GRE. Not awful (even though I convinced myself that my score was horrible and that there’s something wrong with me), but not stupendous. I tend to pride myself on my intelligence and how quick I am to learn concepts and successfully complete projects. But honestly, I think it has more to do with trying to build up my reputation and try not to fail than really knowing a lot of information in the first place. If I’m close to failing, I’ll work harder so that I don’t look like a fool. Not that it’s a bad thing to succeed, but it’s okay to fail. I think I’m my own worst enemy in that area… As a perfectionist, I am not okay with failing or doing a mediocre job, even if everyone else in my life realizes that not everyone can do everything perfectly.
Reality check: Looking for jobs is not easy, and I’m going to fail a lot. I’m going to be turned down for jobs whether or not I’m qualified for them. If/when I look for grad schools, I may not get a full scholarship and I may not even get into some (or all) of the schools. Who knows? I can’t control the situation.
I read yesterday that pride is a sort of ‘anti-God’ frame of mind. Yes, that sounds a little radical, but the reasoning is that it makes a person think all about his/herself, his/her need and wants, and leave others behind. Who cares what he/she needs when I need this? The prideful state of mind is one that doesn’t show God’s love to others, but instead shows others how selfish people can be, even if they do call themselves ‘Christians’.
I know that this is a post that’s pretty different from the usual ones, but I just need to say it: I’m not perfect. I am prideful, but I need to be humble. I try to succeed all the time, but I am going to fail… And I am going to try to be okay with that.